Moving on Up

I'm back.

But Blogger isn't functional enough so I am moving over to www.obesicon.wordpress.com.
I hope to see you there.

Food, Weight and Exercise Record

Weight: 195.2

Eye-opener: Weak black tea with 1/2 tbsp of agave syrup

Food: Rocky start with a really late breakfast. 1 Chinese pastry and a small cup of coffee.

Lunch: None.

Snack: 3 glasses of water.

Dinner: Turkey burger with 93% fat-free ground turkey and reduced-fat colby jack cheese on a whole wheat English muffin. Side of Alexia's olive oil and sea salt oven fries (I stuck to one portion. Only 3.5 grams of fat!). Large portion of steamed broccoli. Baby dill pickles.
with 8 oz. Diet Pepsi

Dessert: I went overboard, portion-wise. Thawed blackberries with vanilla granola and plain fat-free yogurt.

1 glass of water.

Exercise: 2 miles of walking.

Sitting with sadness.

I've mentioned before that my husband and I have serious marital problems. In recent weeks, we've been having a minor crises 3 times a week. I've not had my favorite foods to self-medicate with. Today I told him that there is a great possibility that he just couldn't make me happy and I asked him to leave for awhile, so we could both have some space. Usually we cling to one another, but not today. I don't know where he is and I don't know what he's doing. I know, though, that I have to find a way to be with my sadness and not use food as a balm.

Not potato chips and not pretzels. Not candy and not yogurt. I know I have to eat to live but I can't eat because I feel as though my life is falling apart.

I used to love my husband more than anyone, more than I should have. I used to be proud of him and proud of our relationship. I used to feel sure that we were going to be a family forever, that I had been lucky enough to find my soulmate. Now I know it isn't so.

It's so much harder to type and cry and cry and type than to just call for delivery and stuff down my feelings. It's so much harder to feel the waves of pain and anxiety and humiliation and not have anything to which to cling. I don't believe in God and I don't believe in destiny. Many days, I don't even believe in myself. I've always believed in food, though. The certainty of a sugar rush, the constancy of food's availability. It wasn't much but it was what I had. I always knew that depression was really creeping into my soul, really threatening my life, that suicide was really an option, when I stopped eating. Food was my life and when I gave that up, my contemplation of death was real and genuine.

This time, though, I know that I don't want death and I don't want food to be my life. I want a life that is fairly happy and fairly normal, one that is creative and productive and interesting. For today at least, I can sit with my sadness and not use food as a crutch. One day, I'll be happy. Not today, but one day.

Food and Exercise Record

Breakfast: Multigrain flax seed waffles with agave and three strips of turkey
Snack: Fat-free cottage cheese and peaches
with small glass of orange juice and 1 cup of black tea
Lunch: Campbell's Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup
with small glass of tropical-carrot juice
Snack: 1/4 cup of granola
Dinner:
Baked potato (courtesy of Wendy's) topped with deli sliced turkey breast, low-fat cheddar and steamed spinach. Topped with dollop of Greek-style plain yogurt.
with
1/2 can of San Pellegrino Limonata
Dessert: Baked apple with 1 tbsp of honey and raisins
Exercise: 30 minutes of aerobics

Today was one of those days where it was a minor miracle that I didn't order a fast-food feast.

Weigh-In: Meditations on 196.2

So today's number was 196.2, a gain. What can I say? Maybe it's water weight but probably it's too many snacks and not enough movement. It's alright. I'm going to try harder and stay in the fight for the long haul. Whatever the case, I am happy that I am not back to a month ago when I was positively glued to the couch and eating three or four candy bars, 40 ounces of full-calorie soda, diner foods, fast food and heavy, rich desserts every day.

Food and Exercise Record

Breakfast: Smoothie made with frozen boysenberries, mangoes, red raspberries, blueberries, low-fat plain yogurt, cranberry juice and a splash of apple juice. No need for agave syrup!
with
plain hot green tea

Lunch: Small portion of last night's leftover stir fry, perhaps 1/3 of a good lunch portion.
with
tropical carrot juice
(This wasn't nearly enough to satiate me and set me up for later failure.)

Snack 1: Reduced fat cheese stick

Snack 2: Baked Lays potato chips
with 8oz. Coke

Dinner: Turkey chili made with 94 % fat-free ground turkey and pink beans. Topped with reduced-fat cheddar. Served with broccoli on the side
with
Izze Blackberry fruit juice soda

Snack 3: Total with raisins and skim milk
Snack 4: Pineapples and pistachios

Exercise: Um, yeah. No.

Food and Exercise Record

Breakfast: Started on track with a smoothie. This was a Archer Farms frozen blend of red raspberries, mango and boysenberries to which I added frozen carrots, low-fat plain yogurt, tropical carrot juice, a touch of apple juice and a drizzle of agave syrup.
with
hot plain green tea

Lunch: What lunch? I grazed too much. It was a series of snacks, which I have to stop indulging in. Chronic eating is a real problem for me. Instead of lunch I had:

Snack 1: Fat-free cottage cheese with peaches
Snack 2: 1.5 bowls of whole wheat Total with raisins
Snack 3: Stick of low-fat colby-jack cheese
withplain hot green tea
Snack 4: Pineapples

Dinner:
This was really good taste-wise and pretty good nutritionally, though I know that white rice, salt and I have too close a friendship. Stir fry chicken breast with french green beans, red peppers, white asparagus, broccoli, carrots and spinach sauted in a minimal amount of olive oil and seasoned with soy sauce, lime juice, pepper flakes and togarashi. Served over steamed white rice.
with
Tropical carrot juice and apple juice

Dessert:
Plain yogurt with honey granola, thawed strawberries and agave

Exercise:
I did some upper and lower body toning exercises but exercise today was basically a joke.

Lessons:
I am a bonafide sugar addict and if I can't get it from candy and cookies, I'll get it from white rice, cereal, dried fruit or fresh fruit. I need to make sure that I have three planned meals and not graze all day. I also have to make sure I am having low or no calorie beverages with each meal or snack so that I have a greater sense of satiation.