Moving on Up

I'm back.

But Blogger isn't functional enough so I am moving over to www.obesicon.wordpress.com.
I hope to see you there.

Food, Weight and Exercise Record

Weight: 195.2

Eye-opener: Weak black tea with 1/2 tbsp of agave syrup

Food: Rocky start with a really late breakfast. 1 Chinese pastry and a small cup of coffee.

Lunch: None.

Snack: 3 glasses of water.

Dinner: Turkey burger with 93% fat-free ground turkey and reduced-fat colby jack cheese on a whole wheat English muffin. Side of Alexia's olive oil and sea salt oven fries (I stuck to one portion. Only 3.5 grams of fat!). Large portion of steamed broccoli. Baby dill pickles.
with 8 oz. Diet Pepsi

Dessert: I went overboard, portion-wise. Thawed blackberries with vanilla granola and plain fat-free yogurt.

1 glass of water.

Exercise: 2 miles of walking.

Sitting with sadness.

I've mentioned before that my husband and I have serious marital problems. In recent weeks, we've been having a minor crises 3 times a week. I've not had my favorite foods to self-medicate with. Today I told him that there is a great possibility that he just couldn't make me happy and I asked him to leave for awhile, so we could both have some space. Usually we cling to one another, but not today. I don't know where he is and I don't know what he's doing. I know, though, that I have to find a way to be with my sadness and not use food as a balm.

Not potato chips and not pretzels. Not candy and not yogurt. I know I have to eat to live but I can't eat because I feel as though my life is falling apart.

I used to love my husband more than anyone, more than I should have. I used to be proud of him and proud of our relationship. I used to feel sure that we were going to be a family forever, that I had been lucky enough to find my soulmate. Now I know it isn't so.

It's so much harder to type and cry and cry and type than to just call for delivery and stuff down my feelings. It's so much harder to feel the waves of pain and anxiety and humiliation and not have anything to which to cling. I don't believe in God and I don't believe in destiny. Many days, I don't even believe in myself. I've always believed in food, though. The certainty of a sugar rush, the constancy of food's availability. It wasn't much but it was what I had. I always knew that depression was really creeping into my soul, really threatening my life, that suicide was really an option, when I stopped eating. Food was my life and when I gave that up, my contemplation of death was real and genuine.

This time, though, I know that I don't want death and I don't want food to be my life. I want a life that is fairly happy and fairly normal, one that is creative and productive and interesting. For today at least, I can sit with my sadness and not use food as a crutch. One day, I'll be happy. Not today, but one day.

Food and Exercise Record

Breakfast: Multigrain flax seed waffles with agave and three strips of turkey
Snack: Fat-free cottage cheese and peaches
with small glass of orange juice and 1 cup of black tea
Lunch: Campbell's Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup
with small glass of tropical-carrot juice
Snack: 1/4 cup of granola
Dinner:
Baked potato (courtesy of Wendy's) topped with deli sliced turkey breast, low-fat cheddar and steamed spinach. Topped with dollop of Greek-style plain yogurt.
with
1/2 can of San Pellegrino Limonata
Dessert: Baked apple with 1 tbsp of honey and raisins
Exercise: 30 minutes of aerobics

Today was one of those days where it was a minor miracle that I didn't order a fast-food feast.

Weigh-In: Meditations on 196.2

So today's number was 196.2, a gain. What can I say? Maybe it's water weight but probably it's too many snacks and not enough movement. It's alright. I'm going to try harder and stay in the fight for the long haul. Whatever the case, I am happy that I am not back to a month ago when I was positively glued to the couch and eating three or four candy bars, 40 ounces of full-calorie soda, diner foods, fast food and heavy, rich desserts every day.

Food and Exercise Record

Breakfast: Smoothie made with frozen boysenberries, mangoes, red raspberries, blueberries, low-fat plain yogurt, cranberry juice and a splash of apple juice. No need for agave syrup!
with
plain hot green tea

Lunch: Small portion of last night's leftover stir fry, perhaps 1/3 of a good lunch portion.
with
tropical carrot juice
(This wasn't nearly enough to satiate me and set me up for later failure.)

Snack 1: Reduced fat cheese stick

Snack 2: Baked Lays potato chips
with 8oz. Coke

Dinner: Turkey chili made with 94 % fat-free ground turkey and pink beans. Topped with reduced-fat cheddar. Served with broccoli on the side
with
Izze Blackberry fruit juice soda

Snack 3: Total with raisins and skim milk
Snack 4: Pineapples and pistachios

Exercise: Um, yeah. No.

Food and Exercise Record

Breakfast: Started on track with a smoothie. This was a Archer Farms frozen blend of red raspberries, mango and boysenberries to which I added frozen carrots, low-fat plain yogurt, tropical carrot juice, a touch of apple juice and a drizzle of agave syrup.
with
hot plain green tea

Lunch: What lunch? I grazed too much. It was a series of snacks, which I have to stop indulging in. Chronic eating is a real problem for me. Instead of lunch I had:

Snack 1: Fat-free cottage cheese with peaches
Snack 2: 1.5 bowls of whole wheat Total with raisins
Snack 3: Stick of low-fat colby-jack cheese
withplain hot green tea
Snack 4: Pineapples

Dinner:
This was really good taste-wise and pretty good nutritionally, though I know that white rice, salt and I have too close a friendship. Stir fry chicken breast with french green beans, red peppers, white asparagus, broccoli, carrots and spinach sauted in a minimal amount of olive oil and seasoned with soy sauce, lime juice, pepper flakes and togarashi. Served over steamed white rice.
with
Tropical carrot juice and apple juice

Dessert:
Plain yogurt with honey granola, thawed strawberries and agave

Exercise:
I did some upper and lower body toning exercises but exercise today was basically a joke.

Lessons:
I am a bonafide sugar addict and if I can't get it from candy and cookies, I'll get it from white rice, cereal, dried fruit or fresh fruit. I need to make sure that I have three planned meals and not graze all day. I also have to make sure I am having low or no calorie beverages with each meal or snack so that I have a greater sense of satiation.

Tales and wails from the scale, part 1

I've been avoiding scales acutely for 3 years now and this has proven to be a cornerstone of my obesicon. This has been due to a potent mixture of dread, denial and self-hatred. In 2004, I slimmed down considerably and lost 15 of the then-30 pounds I needed to lose. Slowly, I put the weight back on, under the stress of many life changes, and I simply did not want to face the fact that I was bigger than I had ever been in my life. The result? I was perplexed when I went to try on a size 10, a size 12, a size 14 and found that none of them would fit. I was terrified when I slid on a tight size 16 and when I put on my first, perfect-fitting size 18, I was stunned. I didn't feel all that fat--I was tired all the time, sure, and chronically avoided every step in the New York subway system, but I still thought of myself as someone who enjoyed long walks, who understood nutrition and who had a relatively hourglass figure. I figured I had returned to the lower end of 'obese' BMI's and it was a long while before I began to suspect that I had crossed the 200-threshold.

When I went to the bariatrician back in February, I was fully prepared to find out that I was 215 or so. The nurse said "192" and I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I blurted out, "Okay, I can live with that." The nurse recording my weight snapped, "I'd kill to be under 200 again."
I bit back, "You're 5'8 or so and your weight is proportionate."
She said, "Oh hush up."
I hushed. "You're tiny," she muttered, putting the blood pressure cuff on my arm.
"I'm short. My arms are pudgy. My wrists are tiny," I explained. "You're statuesque," I concluded.
"I'm 257," she summarized, telling me that my blood pressure was okay, and closing the door behind her as she left.

Looking back on the exchange, I see two fat women needling and assessing each other in the passive-aggressive way that is so characteristic of those who aren't happy with their bodies. In saying that I could "live with" 192, she felt judged by me but I did not see her as fat, only myself. It's a part of the narcissistic desperation of one who wants to lose weight that s/he often feels like the only person in the world whose weight is an unacceptable aesthetic and moral failing. The truth was banal: we were both fat, both attractive in at least some ways to at least some people, and neither of us 'bad' for having more flesh than we wanted to have. What we really meant to compare was whose burden was greater, not whose body was bigger. Which of us could say she had suffered more? Which of us felt most disenfranchised from a slim-centric society and which of us stood the better chance of getting to a medically, societally and personally acceptable weight?

Realizing how much emotional baggage I attached to a weigh-in made me even more reluctant to be weighed but I returned to the doctor two weeks later, after days of marathon eating and my weight had shot up to 196.

So now acutely aware that I am flirting dangerously with morbid obesity, I know I need to set my feelings aside and weigh in daily, so that I stay on track and know where I stand. My first weigh-in finds me at 194.6, a disappointment given how many calories I have cut since I am no longer binge-eating, but I know that at least some of my body change has been the addition of muscle. I firm up and tighten almost immediately when eating healthfully and exercising. Unfortunately, the run-of-the-mill scale doesn't reflect changes in body composition. I'm going to take this slowly. I hope plan to lose 1-1.5 pounds per week.

First short-term goal: 193.6 by 3/26/09

Food and Exercise Record

Breakfast: I was on the go, looking at more craptastical apartments so I had a delicious Banana Nut Odwalla Bar
with 6 oz. Diet Coke

Lunch: Lean Cuisine with a 1/2 cup of broccoli
with 6 oz. Diet Coke

Dinner: Two small baked ramekins of polenta: egg whites with mushrooms, roasted white asparagus, roasted red peppers and spinach, 1 topped with fat-free feta and low-fat
mozzarella and 1 topped low-fat colby jack
with 10 oz. Diet Pepsi

Exercise: I only logged 4.33 miles of walking today, which is less than I wanted to accomplish but a lot of it was uphill and up stairs so I am pleased with today.

Dessert: Defrosted blackberries with low-fat plain yogurt and granola

Mini Binge: Oh why could I not just go to sleep?! Mandarin oranges

What didn't work: Lucille Roberts + Soy Joy

There are many awful things about weight management and perhaps the only thing worse than self-denial and delayed gratification are things that are a waste of time, money or tastebuds. So I will be sharing foods, techniques, and services that I think ought to be skipped.

Lucille Roberts
at 927 Flatbush Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11226

Thank God for the pay-as-you-go plan because after just a few months at this grimy place, I had to 'go.' The staff is clueless and surly in equal parts, gym equipment is limited and often broken (the elliptical machine is more like a rocking horse most days), and the customers sweat all over the equipment without cleaning it up. Just as often, the patrons aren't working out at all but are just sitting on the equipment, talking about their child support/infidelity/sibling/hair issues. Of course no member of the staff can be bothered to clean up the sweat, nor tell them that the weight bench is not a sitting bench for cell phone conversation. I actually found myself skipping workouts because of dreading this nasty environment. I love the idea of working in a woman-positive environment but a bunch of pink-branded crap does not alone make for a woman-positive environment. The search for a decent, affordable gym continues.


Soy Joy Mango-Coconut

This was soy sadness. I really wanted to like this bar. What's not to like? Great branding. Soy protein. Lovely-sounding flavor. But this was awful. It was one-bite-and-spit awful. It tasted like flour bound together with corn syrup and studded with fruitcake-grade year-old dried fruit. Even starving as I was, I could not manage more than one mouthful of this dreck and I am dreading trying the other flavor I have in my cabinet.

Food and Exercise Record

Breakfast: 2 flaxseed multigrain waffles with syrup and 3 strips of turkey bacon
with glass of orange juice
Snack 1: Mandarin oranges
Snack 2: Fat-free cottage cheese with too many almonds, dried cherries and raisins
Lunch: Lean Cuisine of the chicken-pasta variety
with 8 oz. Diet Coke
Dinner: Korean take-out with tofu soup, spicy pork and white rice
and 10 oz. full-cal Coke

Exercises: I was a real lazy ass. I did 100 stairs inside and some upper-body
exercises but no real cardio. Apparently my arse was glued to the couch.

My day really fell apart, starting with breakfast. My morning fruit smoothie really helps me begin the day with a clear mind and when I 'indulge' at my first meal of the day, it is incredibly predictive of problems later on. Nonetheless, from a nutrient density standpoint, I am doing so much better now than I was a month ago that I'm not going to be too negative, just determined to do better.

Food and Exercise Record

Breakfast: Odwalla Super Protein Shake

Lunch: Grilled chicken breast with broccoli and carrots and a few bites of a plain potato from the fast food outlet Ranch 1
with 1/2 can of San Pellegrino Limonata

Dinner: 96% fat-free turkey parmagiana with tomato sauce, roasted red peppers, mushrooms and reduced fat mozzarella
steamed sides: corn, green beans and asparagus
with
Izze Sparkling Blackberry

Exercise: It was incidental but I was on my feet for the majority of 9 hours and I'm exhausted.

Food and Exercise Record

So, today was not a banner day for nutrition or movement but here it was:

Brunch: Smoothie made with frozen peaches, frozen carrots, frozen strawberries, apple juice, carrot-tropical juice, plain low-fat yogurt and 1 tbsp. agave syrup
and
Flax seed waffle with smear of peanut butter

Snack: Light colby-jack cheese stick

Dinner: Seafood paella
with 1 small glass of albarino

Dessert: Devil food cheesecake
with
2 cups coffee and skim milk

As for walking, not much went on. I only covered about 0.5 miles but I will be back on target tomorrow.

Food and Exercise Record

Today was a fun day with my husband and a welcome change from the rut we've been stuck in, interpersonally.
Brunch: Indulgence. French toast (1 piece) with maple syrup and 1.5 strips of thick-cut pork bacon.
with 8 oz glass of orange juice. Divine.
Snack: Earl Grey with skim milk and 3 sugars (1 raw; 2 white)
Dinner: Medley from the Whole Foods hot bar including: chicken tikka masala and Indian-style chickpeas, peas, roasted vegetables and fried tofu over brown rice. Topped with some raita. Accompanied by steamed broccoli.
Snack1: Green tea with 1 tbsp agave syrup
Dessert: Serving of fat-free cottage cheese with canned peaches
Snack2: (Eeek!) Low-sugar peanut butter and chocolate granola bar
with
8oz. Diet Coke
Exercise: We spent a lot of time walking in Manhattan and Brooklyn today, browsing bookstores and other places. My pedometer logged 4.58 miles. My feet are sore but again, thankfully my back is not.

Food and Exercise Record

Today I was a grazing, grazing cow:

Breakfast: Two servings of instant peaches and cream oatmeal topped with a few slices of real peaches
with Glass of Simply Orange juice
Then, the snackathon with no real lunch...
Stick of cheese
Spritzer with cranberry juice and grapefruit Perrier at 1:4 ratio
Few pretzles and 3/4 tbsp of peanut butter
1 reduced-sugar chocolate and peanut butter granola bar
Vanilla low-fat yogurt with defrosted blackberries and topped with puffed-grain cereal
2 cups of mandarin oranges
Dinner: Turkey sandwich with reduced-fat cheddar slice, full-fat Miracle Whip, Dijon Mustard on toasted Arnold's multigrain bread
Broccoli
Sweet potato fries
with
Spritzer with cranberry juice and grapefruit Perrier at 4:1 ratio

Exercise:
I really did not want to go out but I pushed myself and made it out. I walked to a local park and tried to return home but somehow got lost. According to my brand spanking new pedometer, I covered 3.96 miles. I felt strong up until I became lost, pumping my arms and moving at a brisk clip, blessedly without the excrutiating lower back pain I've been putting up with for the last week. My feet were sore, as were my thighs but that seems positive.

Food and Exercise Record

This was a hard day. I barely slept before heading out to more (ultimately unsuccessful) apartment viewings.

Breakfast: Such as it was (I didn't really finish it until the afternoon) was a sweet super-delicious Odwalla Banana Nut bar. There are no excuses to indulge in a fatty banana nut muffin with one of these on-hand.

Lunch: This was just snack-grazing.
Remnants of yesterday's blackerry-peach carrot juice smoothie
10 mini pretzels with 1.5 tbsp of peanut butter
pistachios
dried berries and pineapple
Diet Coke

Dinner: Chicken kabob (Greek takeout) with home-roasted asparagus and green beans

Dessert: Low-fat vanilla yogurt with honey granola and defrosted blackberries

Exercise: Incidental only. I may have clocked 2 miles, traipsing back and forth between viewings. Tomorrow, back to a proper walk. And maybe some strength training.

Food and Exercise Record

There isn't a ton of food or exercise to report today. I was so busy pounding the pavement for a new home that I really could not eat much.
Eye-opener: 1/2 of small cup of coffee with skim
Breakfast: None
Lunch: None
Dinner: Baked potato (courtesy of Wendy's) topped with 1 c. of broccoli, 3 strips of crushed turkey bacon, 1 slice of Kraft reduced-fat Sharp Cheddar and a large dollop of no-fat Greek-style yogurt
with
1 small glass of water
and
Smoothie made from frozen blackberries and peaches, low-fat yogurt, apple juice and tropical carrot juice
As for exercise, it was all incidental. I did walk quite a lot and wandered through Prospect Park but I did not go out for a 'proper' walk. Not sure how I feel about this; it certainly seems like a slippery slope that I ought not go down too far but at the end of the day I was exhausted and sore so I believe that I probably covered at least 2 miles.

Food and Exercise Record

This is what I ate today and how I worked some of it off:

Eye-opener: Tazo green tea, unsweetened.
Breakfast: 1 Pineapple-peach smoothie made from frozen pineapples, frozen peaches, to-go cup of peaches in light syrup, milk and vanilla low fat yogurt
Lunch: Amy's Bistro Burger, baked Alexa's sweet potato fries, french green beans. Stonyfield Farm organic greek yogurt as a dip
with
8 oz. can of Diet Coke and 12 oz. glass of water
Snack1: Granola bar
with hot green tea
Snack 2: Granola bar (I started getting scared here. I was legitimately hungry. My stomach was rumbling but I didn't want to eat. Nevertheless, I gave in.)
Snack 3: Bowl of cereal (I knew I wasn't going to be full when I finished this but I scarfed it down anyway)
Snack 4(!): Cheese stick (The protein hit the spot and I finally was able to go on my walk. Lesson learned: eat protein first.)
Dinner: Boston Market leftovers. Chicken breast w/o skin. Small portions of creamed spinach, mashed potatoes and corn. Medium portion of steamed broccoli.
with grapefruit-cranberry spritzer: 4:1 ration of Perrier grapefruit to cranberry juice
Dessert: Short Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks.

Exercise: 2.5 miles at a much improved pace from my first outing. My lower back was killing me when I was done but I was not very winded or feeling ill at any point during my exercise. It's like I feel health returning back to me. Yay.

Exciting new foods.

I love food and one of the reasons my past diets have failed is because I've been limited in the foods I've enjoyed. Here are some things I'm looking forward to trying now, even if they are not all proper 'diet' foods:

Vegetal.

Broccolini. This hybrid vegetable with pretty, edible yellow leaves has a taste profile between broccoli and asparagus, my two favorite vegetables. I can't believe I haven't laid my hands on a bunch before now.

White asparagus. It's asparagus, but white, and milder because its grown in the dark and doesn't develop chlorophyll. What's not to love?

Artichokes. I've eaten artichokes occasionally but never cooked them. They're mighty attractive and tasty but so intimidating to cook for a newbie. I imagine I will roast it.

Ramps. This leek-like vegetable is said to taste like a combination of onion and garlic and heralds the arrival of spring. I've wanted to try some for several years but I'll be keeping an eye out for them at the April Greenmarkets with particular determination this time.

Carrots of color. I'd honestly never heard of even red carrots until reading a quote on sustainable and healthy eating from Michelle Obama. Red carrots are rich in lycopene and are, per the First Lady, sweeter than the orange variety. And the purple, white and yellow carrots also have great health benefits.

Savory.
Amy's Organic Bistro Burger. A grain-based burger with only 90 calories and 2.5 grams of fat, I hope it is a nice alternative to my old fave, The Gardenburg

Sweet.
Agave syrup. Agave syrup (or nectar) is a natural sweetener that also has a low glycemic index and contains inulin, which aids in digestion. While I am not an Atkins/South Beach acolyte by any stretch of the imagination, I do know that sugar spikes ruin my mood and my healthy eating so I am looking forward to an alternative.

Bear Naked Low Sugar Vanilla Crunch Granola. The good folks over at TransFatFree.com give this a thumbs-up for taste and nutrition which is encouraging because my beloved Archer Farms French Vanilla Granola is absolute organic ambrosia but also too high in sugars.

Complex.
Good balsamic vinegar. Whenever I want the sweetish, syrupy balsamic vinegar that is so good drizzled on strawberries or a salad, I end up taking some of the cheap stuff and making a reduction. Well no more. Sometime soon I'm investing a good bottle of the real deal. William-Sonoma seems to have a well-regarded entry-level bottle.

Simple.
Homemade seltzer water. My goal is to get off of Coke. I do love fizzy water, however, and there are going to be a lot of fruit-juice spritzers in my future. For right now,I am just buying it by the can or bottle but eventually, I'd love to invest in a Penguin Sparkling Water Machine. Super-cute, the cost per bottle is cheaper than store-bought options and the carbonation level is adjustable. I'll have to create a line item for it in my 2010 budget.

Slogging On.

More crappy apartments today --okay, not so crappy given yesterday's prophylactic nightmare but nothing we are going to be moving into, I don't think-- and misty grey weather to go along with my impoverished home-hunting. Much too tired for reflection right now so I will just record some notes on food and exercise:

Breakfast: Odwalla Super Protein Shake (We didn't eat until 12:30 and I was tempted to grab a slice of pizza but went to the health store instead, while Hubby grabbed something from the pizzeria. I did this not because I wanted to stick to my diet but because I realized my desire for pizza was superficial and passing)
Lunch: Boston Market chicken breast meat w/o skin; mashed potatoes; creamed spinach; corn
with 1 can of Coke (I had promised myself I would eschew the spinach and instead steam broccoli to eat with my meal but I failed to follow up.)
Dinner: Campbell's Chunky chicken with vegetable soup
with a lemonade spritzer--3:1 ratio of Perrier with grapefruit and Simply Lemonade
1 stick of cheddar cheese
Dessert: Nature Valley Granola, frozen mixed fruit and Stoney Farm Vanilla Low-Fat Yogurt
Exercise: 20 minutes of slowish, pained walking

Feeling more fit already.

Today was not an ideal Sunday. My husband and I usually devote our weekends to mini-adventures. Instead of Dance Dance Revolution or award-winning doughnut emporiums or a workshop about tree care, today we were saddled with paying bills and looking for a new apartment. I'd rather have a GYN exam with the large speculum. If you have not searched for an apartment on a slim budget in New York, I doubt you can imagine the hell it is. I'll spare you a laundry list of complaints and say this: I spent hours and hours looking at rental listings and calling landlords and brokers all week long. We were scheduled to see 5 apartments but were only able to see 1 apartment because of the brokers' negligence. Said apartment was not in the neighborhood we had requested and the one well-appointed looking family we saw on the block were literally looking over their shoulders the entire time they were getting into their car. Good sign. There were unattended children everywhere. There was trash everywhere. The were also 'NYPD Clean Streets' signs everywhere, which suggests strongly that loitering and other, more nefarious activities are a problem. Though I've lived in tough neighborhoods most of my life, this is not what I want or need at this point in my life. But despite misgivings about the surroundings, we nonetheless saw this gem of a $1300 apartment. Living room was small but the bedroom was huge. The kitchen was miniscule, which was sure to contribute to my waistline expansion. Still, I was tired and I was seriously considering it...until my husband was so kind as to point out the several used condoms on the windowsill of the apartment.

Classy.

We missed another open house in another (better) neighborhood. I was cranky. Lunch was very good and not the least bit lo-cal--gnocchi with ricotta and red wine at my favorite Italian place. We arrived home and I was tired and dissatisfied with almost everything. But you know what? As soon as we arrived back home, I announced that I was going to be taking a walk and despite the protestations of my thighs, and the fact that my husband was enviably napping, I went for my one-step-at-a-time journey and managed to cover 1.68 miles. I wanted to do more but I really couldn't. I needed dinner and sweet, sweet Advil.

In spite of it all, I'm feeling more fit already.

Food record:
No breakfast.
Lunch: Gnocchi with ricotta (~60% of portion), bread and olive oil, red wine, tap water.
Snack: Quaker chewy granola bar with 25% less sugar, large cup of hot Tazo green tea
Dinner: Turkey burger (~50% of portion, no bun), a few french fries, half-strength Coke
Dessert: Mandarin oranges

Blog inspiration: Escape from Obesity

I've made no secret of the fact that some of my favorite weightloss bloggers are no longer writing regularly on the topic, and while there is a lot content on getting un-fat now, I've found it difficult to identify bloggers whose voices and stories spoke to me the way that my old favorites did. Well Lyn at "Escape from Obesity" has really touched me and in, fact, spurred me on today.

This morning, in a fat-induced funk I came across her words:

"Being fat sucks the life out of me. But when I am exercising and eating healthy, I am not fat anymore. Sure, I weigh a lot, but I am not that fat person with no energy anymore. I am strong and happy and determined. I am shaping who I want to be, and I don't have to wait until I lose 100 pounds to stop being fat.

It's a great day to change your life! Let's get to it."

I was ... persuaded. But still immobile. Still, I clicked around, saw and was impressed by her progress photos, and read about her weightloss method. She wrote that she began her exercise program by walking 30 seconds down the sidewalk, and then back to her door. I was stunned that her phenomenal progress had begun with 1 minute of exercise and then it occured to me: It only takes 30 seconds, to begin. It only takes one step to begin. How far I go is up to me and my body's ability but if I were to go only 30 seconds down the sidewalk today, it would be 30 seconds further than I had traveled the day before.

And I realized that today is the day to change my life. Tomorrow is an opportunity that may or may not present itself and I cannot change or perfect what happened yesterday. What I have is today and right now. I can either surf the internet and sip can after can of ginger ale or I can get up and get moving and see how far my body can take me.

It took me awhile to get up, to get my shoes on and head to the door, but I made it 30 seconds down the sidewalk. This was no small feat--I have been stubbornly housebound with such hermetic dedication that I felt a bit agoraphobic going out. And then I made it 2 blocks, 4 blocks, 6 blocks. My foot immediately began to ache, my lower back was tightening. I was walking at a moderate pace (for me) and noticed myself immediately winded but I knew I could keep going. I paused, and looked for upbeat music on my Sansa mp3 player.

Okay...Lil Wayne. The Mamas and The Papas. Jay-Z. Kanye West. Al Green. Bjork.

I got a second wind and a third. I set a goal in my mind, a place that my husband and I had agreed was a 'far walk' and thought that it would be my 'reach goal'. I stuck to walking a bus route so that if I were really unable to carry on, I would have recourse in getting back home safely. I walked and walked some more. I switched to a NPR segment about vitamins as I slowed down. My body was done but my mind wanted the satisfaction of hitting my 'reach' goal. I walked and walked and found my way eventually to the end of my route. I bought a low-fat smoothie from a health store--I had not eaten in 5 hours--and I texted my husband to let him know of my success. I thought of walking back home but knew that it would be overdoing it, just another example of my love of excess so I took the bus home. And how far did my commitment to 30 seconds take me? 2.53 miles.

It took an embarrassingly long amount of time to cover that ground, let me tell you. But this is the beauty, I don't have to walk those miles tomorrow or the next day or the next. I just need to commit to 30 seconds and then make up my mind from there. I'll take a page from Lyn and directly address anyone who might be reading:

It's all in the starting. Perhaps you are out of shape or have a more serious medical condition that limits your mobility. That's okay. If you can commit to 30 seconds or 10 paces or 2 blocks, stop your reading and begin your physical journey. Perhaps you have few or no mobility limitations but you are struggling through depression, malaise or just the blues. You feel glued to the couch or stuck to the chair in front of your computer. That's okay, too. You only need to commit to a short journey; 60 seconds, the corner, around the block. Perhaps you are embarrassed to be seen in outside your home; commit to marching in place for the duration of your favorite song.

Whatever your problems, whatever your condition, whether you are 15 pounds overweight or 300+ overweight, if you commit to beginning, every day, and giving it everything you have that day, you will see progress.

So Lyn, thanks for being my inspiration.

They said I could not have candy, and I cried.

My life has been a whirlwind since I've been gone from this blog. A lot of ups and downs and, lately, mostly downs. But somehow I dragged myself to a bariatrician because I knew my weight was out of control. My breathing during the simplest run up subway stairs was labored; I felt fatter by the day, like an oozing mass. My chin was undeniably now two chins and even my ring size had increased. So I went to this doctor willingly, because I needed help. And when she told me I was a food addict --which I knew-- and a high fructose corn syrup / sugar / carb addict --which I also knew-- I inexplicably had hot tears behind my lids. And when she told me, in the most clipped tones that I could no longer have soda nor candy nor any food that was white, I cried.

In fact, it was rather more like a heroicly choked-back sob. I wanted to go to pieces. And when she asked me, 'Why are you crying? Are you depressed?' I honestly --terrifyingly-- had no answer, no awareness. How would I know, really? My job was awful and my marriage was in a 1,000 pieces but I had no clue as to whether or not I was depressed. I thought I was okay; it was a mantra I told myself over and over again, to get through the day but I didn't know.

Weeks later, I still have no idea as to whether or not I am depressed. What I do know is that when the good doctor told me I could not have sugar, I felt like I was losing my best friend. It was the only thing that made me happy for sure; it was the only thing I could count on for sure. In just a few short years I had lost my job security and my marital security but sugar had been there for me since birth and it was still there for me. How could I be denied such emotional balm?

I somehow finished the consultation, was instructed to start a South Beach-style regimen, and sent away with a prescription for Wellbutrin, to help with my possible/probable depression and obsessive thoughts about food. I have not yet taken the Wellbutrin but I am going to be considering it deeply.

And what of me and candy? Well after weeks of having Skor bars and Hi-Chew and peppermint Mintos and tropical Starbursts chased with Coca-Cola and kettle-cooked potato chips, I have made a pledge to try to get 'sugar sober.' This is a gradual effort. I've not had any candy for 48 hours now and it feels pretty good. Slowly, surely.

In search of a personal renaissance

And after the longest commercial break known to man, I'm back.

When I was younger and bolder and more sure of myself, I thought that life was a journey with a straight line trajectory and a definite end. This was the plan: I would go to a very good college and secure a very good job. I would then have a very good life, earned through hard work and stony practicality that tolerated no foolishness from either myself or anyone else. I had no notion that life is not only given to tragedy but also, farce, that the road to mediocrity was paved not only with good intentions but also hard work that was misdirected. Years later, having survived depression, domestic abuse, self-abuse, ennui, blind alleys, professional disappointments, stretchmarks and a strained marriage, I know that life is a a road that winds and that there is no point of 'arrival' except death.

When I planned this blog, it was going to be a weightloss journal because I'm fat and don't want to be. But when I reflected on my life, there is so much that I want to change and I realized that my use and abuse of food is due to a broad-based dissatisfaction with how I have been living my life. So what is called for is a personal renaissance, a project of more consciously living my values, of creating the happy, creative, active, intellectual and aesthetically pleasurable existence I want.

I wanted a forum in which to just count calories and bemoan my dieting ways but as is frequently the case, the universe is kind and a higher purpose reveals itself.

So what I will try to do with this journal/blog is use it to challenge myself on a daily basis to do things that are in support of my values. Currently, I'm not working and I've slid into a glut of slothfulness-- television, food that comes in foil and wrappers, really perfunctory cleaning. Basically a lot of self-indulgence that doesn't feed my soul andd leads to self-loathing. I have been steadily looking for work but I'm fortunate enough to need purpose more than employment so I really want to take this time to really connect with who I want to be physically, mentally and emotionally.

Wish me luck.